The Truth
by EmmieElliott
Summary: A change that might have brought Tara to say something in reply of his little speech in the Season 1 finale. It was just an idea so do not hate on it please.


Abel was home. Jax and she didn't know what the fuck they actually were. Wendy and she could barely look at each other. Tara could never understand how everything got fucked up. Kohn was gone but she could still feel his presence around her. Making her life feel as if it was her fault he was dead. Jax had been the one to pull the trigger but it was her fear that pushed him to the edge.

Even he was the first to admit that he had never killed before on a selfish level. He had done it because Kohn had threatened her life. She was grateful for him but also fearful that somehow she had brought him down. His life was in danger.

The party had just begun and Gemma was kind enough to offer her an invitation but Tara knew the real reasons behind the invitation. She was going to help Wendy rub their family in her face. Tara was prepared for that but something else was her down fall. Her phone went off and just as she was about to ignore the noise she glanced at the number and realized it was her old boss.

"Hello?"

"Tara I need you in Chicago immediately?" His frantic voice took her full focus as she stepped outside trying to not interrupt the party.

"What's wrong?" She asked as she wrapped her arms around her arms to block the skin from the chill windy flowing through the valley.

"I have a baby and you are the only one that I trust to assist." As he went on to explain she understood what was happening. They both have only faced this problem twice in her entire stay at Chicago Presbyterian.

"I will be on the next plane out tonight." There was nothing to question. Her old supervisor explained that they have already contacted the hospital and had been given permission for her to come assist.

"Excellent I will tell the family that the surgery should take place in the morning." Tara thought about just leaving from where she was. Her keys were in her pocket but realized that her purse was still inside.

She was slightly torn about whether she should tell Jax or not. It was his and Abel's night and she didn't want to interrupt so she went back inside and snuck towards where her purse was. Juice who she had met while patching the Irish guy up was the only one to notice her heading out.

"Where are you going?" Juice asked as he took another sip from his beer.

"I have an emergency that I have to attend to. Can you tell Jax I had to leave early?" Juice nodded and gave her a kind smile as she headed out the front door.

Jax had called her multiple times but she didn't have enough time to talk. She barely got through security and on the plane in time for departure. The four hour plane ride was tough and she was anxious the whole time. She went straight to the hospital.

"Dr. Knowles it is good to see you. Come with me while I go talk to the parents." Facts were needed and she had spent two months studying about this particular surgery.

As she walked into the room she was surprised to see Ellen and Tom friends she had made when she first arrived in the city two years ago. It was a nice surprise to see them all and in the end the pair was happy to have Tara on the surgery.

The surgery itself was grueling and lasted almost four hours before complications arose. She knew there was fifty percent chance that the baby would lose its life. It was too late.

"Time of death five forty am." Tara stood back from the table and took a deep breathe before exiting the operating room and pulling off all of the scrubs that had the babies' blood on them.

The most traumatic experience was telling the parents. Tom looked broken while Ellen turned angry immediately. "What do you mean he didn't make it?"

"I am sorry we tried everything but there was just too much damage." Tara replied as she tried to stay professional but the emotions were overwhelming.

"You are a baby killer!" Ellen yelled before throwing a pillow at her head. She couldn't even stay any more so she exited the room and left the grieving parents alone to feel the extent of their loss.

Tara on the other hand found herself in a dark room where she let the emotions go. Tears were falling down her face as sobs shook her frame. There was nothing she could do but leave. She had to return home. Another flight home and a gain of another two hours later she had landed in Sacramento. The drive home was silent as she tried to figure what the hell she was doing.

Once she was home she turned on her phone and listened to all of the messages left on her phone. Jax sounded so lost as he told her about Donna's death. It took a moment before she decided to call another number.

"Hello this is ." The proper voice gave her a sick feeling but she knew this was right.

"Hi Dr. Bell this is Tara Knowles. You offered me a job a few months ago at Boston General and I was wondering if you were still interested?" Tara held her breath as she waited for his response.

"I think we could arrange something." He seemed interested and they spoke for a few minutes before she headed to work still working on the adrenaline rushing through her body.

The hospital was her safe zone. There she was in charge. No one had more authority than her. If someone wanted something then it had to be through her. She felt safe and secure until the one person who could shake up her world sat in one of the waiting rooms looking at her with a face of pure sadness.

"Hey." She tried to fake a smile as she greeted him.

"Can we talk?" Tara nodded as she guided to an empty waiting room that would probably the best place to get any type of privacy.

"I'm sorry about Donna and I am sorry about the party. I had to fly to Chicago for the day for surgery." Jax gave her an understanding look as she tried to give him any type of sympathy for the pain he was going through.

"How did it go?" Distractions were all he wanted even if it was for a few moments.

"I lost the baby." She paused gathering the emotions to bottle them up.

"I am sorry." He couldn't understand how she dealt with that everyday.

"Yeah it was a close friends, but let's not talk about that. What did you want to talk about?" Tara spoke with a dead tone voice that scared Jax.

"I wanted to see how you were doing. I was pretty worried when you upped and disappeared. Why didn't you say goodbye?" He hated the fact that Juice was the one to tell him that she had dipped early.

"I didn't have time besides I didn't want to ruin the party." Or the family moments that Wendy and Jax were having the whole night.

"You should have told me." Tara shook her head trying to not say what she was thinking.

"Listen I didn't want to intrude on the family moment okay." She shot back surprising Jax in the moment.

"What is wrong?" Tara softened at the fear in his voice.

She took in a breath and decided to tell him. Her explanation was full of all the reason why she was doubting her relationship. She told him all about her fears with what happened to Kohn and how she realized that he had a life that she would never fit in. "I talked to a hospital in Boston. They want me on their staff."

That set him off. He released all of the pent up frustration in his mind. Listening to Jax's spiel made her angry. She might have run all those years ago but she does the one thing that no can.

"Have you ever heard the sound of a flat line?" Her anger bubbled as she asked him just as he was about walk out the door.

"What?" He was confused and angry because he didn't want to continue this conversation anymore.

"Have you ever heard the machine when someone's heart stops beating?" This probably wasn't the best place to have this conversation but she couldn't think straight. Her mind was muddled.

"No I haven't." She stepped closer to him as he tried to keep a safe distance away.

"I have probably heard it a thousand times." She paused for a moment.

"They teach us not to get attached and that your patient is just a bunch of parts that you repair and you are not allowed to see them as human beings until they are healthy. I guess that's why I am such a good doctor. I can disconnect myself from situations.

When I am in surgery I lose myself. I become someone greater than the town drunk's daughter. I feel alive. No one can stop me. My supervisor said when I started that he saw me as being an amazing surgeon. I had never felt so proud of myself. If I wasn't going to have a family, I might as well be good surgeon.

Every time someone flat lines you need to be calm. You can't let the chaos around you affect the work you are doing. If you rush or try too hard something will happen. I never panic. To be honest I don't feel the need to panic. I know my hands know what they are doing. My brain can run a million thoughts a minutes without me even trying yet there are only two times when I have panic.

One of the times was a day ago and I lost the baby. The other surgeon was trying too hard to get the bleeding to stop and I just couldn't control my hands. Nothing was working. I couldn't stop the bleeding and the small heart just stopped. I saw a tiny heart stop while my hand was touching it. Can you even begin to understand how that feels? My best friend put the life of her first born son in my hands and they failed her.

Do you want to know what happened the second time I felt panic?" Jax was enthralled in her story and could see the struggle within her so he nodded for her to continue.

"This little baby boy who had a tear in his stomach and hole in his heart was lying there in front of me. His heart wasn't beating and he could barely breathe on his own but somehow for a split second I knew what I had to do. My mind cleared and suddenly I was fine. I don't know how and I don't know why but it worked. So you have no right to say I run away from things. I stay until the very end.

I listened as my best friend called me a baby killer. I also listened to your mother and wife as they told me that we would never work out that their love was somehow more important than mine. That they somehow deserved yours more than me. So no I will not let you stand there and think of yourself as better than me because you aren't. While I was in a room saving your son's life you were out doing shit I don't even want to know. You told me that you wanted me to stay but I can't stay if you don't really want anything from me. You have Wendy and Abel while I have no one. Don't you think it is time to let me go?" Tears were stinging her eyes as she tried to understand that she had just told Jax everything she had felt. "Either you decide what the hell you want or you let me go because you were able to do that eleven years ago so what is the difference?"

Without another words she slipped passed Jax and walked back out to continue her rounds. She knew that everything she said had truth in them. He had bailed on Abel multiple times and she was a constant in that little boy's life but he wasn't hers. She had no claim and he needed to know where he came from.

Inside she had hoped that Jax would mention her sometime down the line. Maybe all Jax would say was that a friend from his' past came to save Abel's life. Who knew but she had to realize that Abel was not hers and that was okay. She could live with being known as his savior and not his mother.

The cutlass was packed full of all the things she would be taking with her. She was going to head back to Boston for a few days and try to find a place then return to St. Thomas until they found a replacement. She would leave the car in Boston while she continued working. wanted to have a meeting with her before she decided.

Her final stop in Charming for the next five days would be Donna's funeral. She needed to pay her respects for a woman who had loved a man in the club.

The service was simple and didn't have Jax. He didn't show up until the very end where he made quite the spectacle. She didn't go to him. He gave her a kind smile that she returned before turning her back to him and making her way to the cutlass. That would be their goodbye. What he didn't know that she had left a letter in his mail box explaining how sorry she truly was.

Just as she opened the door she felt an arm tug her away from the car. Lips crashed onto hers for a moment before they pulled away. "Don't leave. Don't run from me again."

Jax's blue eyes were pleading as she glanced around seeing most of the funeral's attention was on the ceremony but two eyes were stuck on the couple. Wendy looked devastated while Gemma's looked pissed.

"Are you sure because it can't be half ass anymore?" She stated.

"I am in because you loved Abel before I did." With those final words he leaned in and gave her a sweet kiss.


End file.
